I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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