turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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