She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
