I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
