Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dick very happy bro
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
