I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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