hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
