I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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