I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
