So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
