Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
