You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
