Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
