oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
