I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
