She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
