There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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