How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
