Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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