im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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