So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
