Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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