there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
