I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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