I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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