If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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