I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
