i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
