I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Someone signed my nipple.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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