"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
