Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
