trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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