Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
