the condom got lost in my hair
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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