true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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