it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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