I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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