I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
