Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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