you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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