this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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