3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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