Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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