I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am spending my child support on dildos
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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