my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
