Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
