I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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