trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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