you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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