Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
