Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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