I want to walk on stilts...naked
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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